Chaos


DrawingLately I’ve been so busy. At least it seems like it. But when I look around, I see so much more to do. I have to keep reminding myself of the progress I’ve made. The house is still a mess. I haven’t made much new progress lately because I just don’t have anywhere to put anything anymore. I need to sell shit but I just haven’t gotten the urge to go through the bins of stuff to sort it out. I know myself well enough to not get overly stressed because of everything. I know my procrastination will end with a spurt of endless energy that will make up for my slacker ways. I have bigger problems than the crap around my house. Mainly, my biggest problem of all is my inability to be ANYWHERE on time.

It’s rude. It’s disrespectful. It’s damaging. It makes me look like amajor flake. But for the life of me, I just haven’t been able to be anywhere on time lately. And when I say lately, I mean the last 2 years. It’s gotten worse over time. But now, it’s just annoying & ridiculous. I can’t even be on time for someone coming to meet me at my house and all I have to do is answer the door and not be naked. I didn’t used to be this bad. But it’s bad. I don’t know what to do to change it. I was recently diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. That probably has a lot to do with my tardiness. I don’t know. I just want to make it better.

My parents have been on my mind a lot. I am still trying to get used to the fact that I have no more family and the family I once had is just a memory now. Not that my daughters aren’t my family, but I mean the family I came from. Life is so cruel. It really is. You are born, raised by people that you love. You find a companion that you think you love but realize after many years that you really don’t love them and you don’t know exactly what love really is because you were raised by a very dysfunctional couple that shouldn’t have been together in the first place. Then the people you love start to die. Your friends die. The next thing you know, you’re up next. And poof, gone. Just memories. And you leave your children behind to fend for themselves in a world that is cruel and there’s nothing you can do.

I think I am allowing myself to get down right now and that’s where this crap has all come from and I am not going to allow it. I hope by getting this all out will be good enough before it sinks into my chest and takes me down again for a minute. In fact, I know it’s enough, I won’t let it sink in to me. Fuck that! I don’t need it or want it. Up & down…all the time. I hate it. Sometimes I wish I were a man, they are always the same. But I’m glad I’m a woman. Even with the craziness, life is much more fun being female. Anyway, it’s Thursday. Who works on Thursdays anyway? Not me. hehemy-back-blk-wht-framed

1 Comment

  1. i love how thoughtful you are as you evaluate and analyze your circumstances and your life. i also love your nude back in that picture. may your days be warm and bright, and the load you carry be light. you are a shining jewel in life and i am fortunate that our paths have crossed.

    Like

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