I made it through what I think may have been a nervous breakdown. I think with Mother’s Day on Sunday and then my birthday on Wednesday I was pushed to the edge of emotional turmoil and I finally burst.
Sunday, I cried all day. All day. I hallucinated Sunday night and into Monday. Not scary horrible images but happy light feelings. Monday was a blur. Tuesday things felt different. I started off the day feeling as if someone had hit the reset button on me and all the negative stuff was gone. I woke up appreciating who is a part of my life and not regretting who isn’t. Things looked more beautiful and I saw everything with an appreciation I had never had before. Then I noticed my attitude and the way I felt all the time was very different. I didn’t feel the need to remind myself to smile. I was already smiling.
I don’t know exactly what happened in any medical terms but whatever it was, the extreme emotional pain I went through was so unbearable that I erased them from my memory. I feel new. I feel really fresh and I have a new outlook on everything. I had neglected the people who care about me and put too much time and effort into the people who couldn’t care any less if I live or die. I talked and am still talking to my daughters extensively and even they see the change in me. This birthday was the first in my lifetime that I actually looked forward to, truly had no expectations of anything and saw my future as something precious and I look forward to what is to come. In a genuine way. This time I’m not just saying these things, I truly feel them. I truly feel blessed to have such wonderful daughters and top notch friends. They’re better than any family I’ve had. By far. I still have some things I need to work through but now I feel better prepared to deal with everything.
I can only hope now that the people I’ve known through the years that still struggle with their demons find their turning point. The low you must face is worth facing in the end because the outcome you get from it is better than you can imagine. I see so much change in my world already and I can’t tell you how happy I am.
I used to dread May, but it has become the month I feel that I was reprogrammed or reborn. From now on, Mother’s day will always be a celebration of me becoming more aware of my reality and aware of the people around me who love me unconditionally and I will never take any of it for granted again.