I just read a short message I received on another site regarding this wordpress blog and it couldn’t have come at a better time. The message in short just said that I’m as sane as everyone else and included words of encouragement to keep on going. This message couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I do what I do and why I’m where I am in life because of the choices I’ve made right along with life’s uncontrollable inevitable ups and downs. I’ve questioned my own sanity at times. I’ve come to the conclusion that I really am no different than most people as far as how I feel inside. I think the difference is that I’m a lot more sensitive and I express my feelings openly either by writing or sometimes my actions. I think society frowns on you if you air your dirty laundry out on the line for all to see but I feel that if I don’t air that shit out that it’ll just foul up my life. If I put it out there, others can learn from it, comment on it, judge it, accept it, whatever the case may be. It helps me work through it when I broadcast a message out and get feedback, or not. Feedback is good no matter what comes back. Before I got that message today, my daughter and I took a ride across town and we started talking about a situation I found myself when I was in high school. I told her how I had let something build up in me that was bothering me and how I exploded when I had had enough. My actions made me look like I had lost my marbles. When in reality, all I did was show everyone that I may not talk much but I have plenty to say and if you fuck with me I will make what I have to say to you very clear. Once. Over the years, I’ve learned to communicate better. I still don’t talk much, especially small talk. I just make sure that the important issues are dealt with. I suppose to people on the outside looking in, I might seem a bit irrational and unbalanced. I see it as being passionate, emotional, transparent. This post was started a couple weeks before I finished it today. I put something out on blast that happened to me and of all the things that could have happened because of what I said, the very opposite happened. I am eating my words. I decided that I will, from that point on, only put positive messages out there for people to judge me by. When they say that people read your shit when you complain and they bask in it & laugh at you, they are right. I had a rude awakening from one of the people I least expected that would talk shit behind my back. I dealt with it by going right to the source but the damage is done. I have to go back into defense mode. It’s a struggle keeping my thoughts to myself. More ebb & flow. I want less ebb & more flow.
4 responses to “Marbles”
I am always glad to see you post here. In some ways it means that the busyness of life as slowed enough for you to pause and ponder. Sometimes it feels as if your posts are in lieu of therapy, and the posts seem to always result in you feeling better about things. As you wrestle, don’t forget those who persistently stand as close to you as you allow them. Stop by anytime … we’ll play marbles.
Not sure if I agree with you by only sending out positive messages.
I have seen you change – I have seen you listen to posts – and I have only seen positive things happen within yourself as you develop as a woman – a woman with feelings – and one of compassion.
You are the one benefiting from telling it like it is or like it was and hopefully those of us who respond to your blog have only your best interest at heart too.
That is how I will respond – with love and respect and the insight of my maturity and life experiences.
Lots of love and hugs . . .