One year later

The last few days I’ve felt short bursts of sadness come out of nowhere. Yesterday alone I cried a half dozen times. I have been watching the calendar and counting the days all year and it still kind of snuck up on me that it’s been a year since my mom died. A year today.

Even after I pulled my mail from my mailbox and opened a card from my Aunt, it still didn’t really register what the card was for. I thought it was just her thoughtful gesture of mailing a card now & then just to let me know she’s thinking of me. But this time, the card wasn’t delivering a birthday wish to anyone in the house. It was a simple message to say she’s thinking of her sister and misses her too. And that she hopes I have faith and I’m holding on tight through this rough time in my life.

It finally clicked. It’s been a year. And I started to cry.

I remembered how helpless she was in her final days and how vulnerable and fragile she seemed. I missed holding her hand and feeling her soft warm skin in mine. I missed being there whispering to her about how I love her and that I didn’t want to say goodbye yet. I wished I didn’t have to be strong, I wanted her to hold me and make the pain go away. But I had to be strong and help her to make her pain go away.