So, I’ve gotten myself into something that I can’t get out of. At least I don’t think I can get out of it. And I already regret my decision.
My Dad, being an immigrant, came to the U.S. to have a better life and to work hard and achieve the American Dream of having everything he ever dreamed of. He achieved it. And in death, left me a plot of land that he wanted me to eventually use to make my own dreams come true.
My Dad never imagined I would end up divorced and raising my girls alone. He always saw me as never having to worry about my future and the future of my daughters because for one, I was still seemingly happily married while he was still alive and financially set for life and two, the land he bought, was going to be a “gold mine” someday for me and it brought him great satisfaction knowing the land would bring great things for me.
As I choke back my tears, I am haunted with my unfortunate decision to sell the land, only because I can’t afford to buy out the other party at this time. So, I’m losing my Father’s pot of gold because I have no other choice. At least I don’t think I do. It is eating me up. With every e-mail I get of the progress the transaction is making, I have to swallow the lump in my throat harder. I’ve begged to find clarity for this but my gut tells me to stop everything before it’s gone and I have no chance of realizing my dreams that were also the dreams of my Father.
I miss you Dad. I don’t know what to do. I am angry and hurt and I don’t know what to do. I need someone to help me. I need to find the strength to be the woman I know I am and do what I have to do in order to stand up in your honor and follow through with your dream. Because I feel it in my chest so deep when I think of what we talked about all those years ago and it’s a pain that can only be healed one way. I keep waiting for the path to get easier but it isn’t. And I’m running out of time fast.
My dad has been coming to me in dreams more lately and to me they’re not just dreams. I know it’s my subconscious, but it’s also the impact my dad made on me years ago when he’s talk to me so passionately about what he saw for me. I saw it too. I still do and I have that same passion. It’s just clouded now with everything that’s happened in my life since then. I don’t know what to do. I will regret it if I don’t find peace with whatever decision I make.
I need to shit or get off the pot, as he always said. I really do.