Upward


There’s a couple reasons I stopped writing so much here. One of them was the fact that my ex read my posts but I no longer care if or what he reads.

We were together on and off for the last 8 years. I can’t even begin to count how many times he cheated on me. It got to a point where I no longer believed anything that came out of his mouth. I am not a cheater or a liar but what he put me through changed me. I found myself finally leading him on, out of spite. I fed him a dose of his own medicine, for the better part of a year, maybe a bit more. I would see other men, let them take me out, they would fill the void he left in me. I fell for a couple of them but it didn’t work out because I still had him in my back pocket. I was hanging on hoping that he’d stop what he was doing with other women but he didn’t. He dropped a bomb on me and said he wouldn’t be in my life anymore because he found my replacement. Then he disappeared. Completely.

Now, I realize how crazy I was for ever allowing him back after the first time he cheated. I regret this lesson I had to learn, but I thought I knew what I was doing. I thought I could stay one step ahead but I didn’t factor in the fact that I can’t control anyone but myself.

I don’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. But I’m not going to dwell here with the negative thoughts. I don’t want to hurry into something new but I do have needs. And I let someone back in that I wasn’t ready for when he & I first met up again a year ago or so. We went to high school together. He and I share a lot of similar life experiences and we communicate better than anyone I’ve ever known. I admire him because he’s got good morals and strong character traits. He works hard and has goals and I’ve seen him reach some of them and it’s pretty amazing to see how life is supposed to look and feel when you’ve been through the hell I allowed myself to put up with for such a long damn time. The sex with him is off the fucking hook and easily makes me forget the sloppy, dirty (and not in a good way), heartless fucking I got with the ex. I shut off my feelings for the ex so I no longer cared if he called after he’d leave. Well, I cared, but I didn’t expect much out of him anymore and expected to not hear much from him once I wasn’t in his face.

I am happy that some new sucker took my ex away for good this time. I feel now that I can dump him out of my back pocket and toss those jeans in the fire and move on with life without his abusive treatment keeping me from moving towards my goals. I would love to just be happy, set and attain my goals, build my ideas together and become successful in life, without the bullshit. Without a weak link. Without lies and cheating. Be normal and be ok with just being normal. I am not going to seek another relationship. I am motivated to change my life. I am motivated to use the tools I have to create something I can be proud of. I don’t want to rely on anyone to make me feel whole. Because when they find someone new and you’re tossed out to the curb, they will be tossing out something remarkably unique and will never find anyone as beautiful inside and out as me again. They will still be stuck back in that hell of lies & cheating and she probably deserves what he will do to her next. By all means, help yourself to that crap. I am going back to my higher standards again. I stooped low into a world I am not equipped to be in and now I broke free and won’t go back there.

2 thoughts on “Upward

  1. Sorry it took you as long as it did to figure it out. One crucial element in relationships is trust. I for one, don’t distrust anyone I meet but have lived long enough to be very careful if not leary. Trust takes time to build and can take years to totally trust a stranger. It’s earned not given. It can be totally broken in the matter of seconds. No matter how much you think you can forgive and forget, it just doesn’t happen. Eventually it will eat you up from the inside out. Glad you’ve seen the light and have moved on, you’re beginning a new and hopefully an exciting stage of your life. Live it to the fullest and don’t take any bullshit from anyone.

    Like

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