Conscience of the King

I haven’t cried as hard as I’ve cried today in a very long time. So hard that my eyes hurt. Everything finally came to the end. I’m mostly upset that I was scammed & lied to & ripped off by someone I completely trusted in my home. I’m upset that I was manipulated into believing lies and taken advantage of by this person.

I’m not going to go on & on about any piece of shit that hurt me. I am stronger & better than that and I will take the pain and make it into a lesson I will never forget. You on the other hand, can keep right on that path you’re on.

The bottom was an ugly, scary, dirty place that was like a horror film set in a trailer half hanging over the edge of a levee deep in the thick of the delta where there really are homosexual men hiding naked in the tooleys waiting for other men to stumble upon them. The shit I’ve seen with my own eyes and what I’ve dealt with is just plain unbelievable. I don’t know if very many people even know. But I was sheltered so maybe it’s me that was the last to know. Anyway, I am trying to keep on a positive note. My point is that I might have cried my eyes out today from the circumstances I’m dealing with with the final straw being drawn in my life for more than a few people I’d been dealing with for the past almost 3 years. My jewelry was stolen, I learned who my friends are and who isn’t for real. I learned some people will lie til the very end, never giving you any peace at all for something you questioned. They’ll even go as far as blaming it all on you when you’re absolutely not to blame at all. They’ll take from you when you aren’t looking and they’ll blame it on someone else that you thought for sure you could trust then turn around and help you look for the missing item, as if they really didn’t do it. Then tell you how much they care & love you and swear they’d never ever do anything like that to you…but it’s them. They are criminals. How the fuck did I end up there? The only part about any of what I’ve been through is I cut it out. All of it. I took the appropriate route out.

Now it’s my time to stick to my original plan. The one that I was working towards 3 years ago. My goal…the one that I got yanked away from so rudely by someone who saw how radiant I was when I was working head-on for it. They were sucked in to me like a moth to flame in a dark room. They lied, cheated, all that shit, just to be as close as they could possibly get, to steal all they could possibly pilfer from me because they are lowly, weak scumbags that let jealousy and insecurity dictate their actions. I can only learn from my mistake now and move forward.

That’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m fine. I’m better than fine. I’m free. I was so hurt, crying my eyes out and something happened. My daughter saw me. She asked what was going on. I told her everything. Well not everything but the main issues and the realizations I was coming to with it being the very bottom. She is just as shocked as I am. But then another thing happened. Out of the blue, some friends I haven’t heard from in a long time contacted me, several friends actually, throughout the day, popped up randomly to talk. The whole universe seemed to shift and it opened up my world to better, happier, healthier things. I realized my life isn’t over. Those losers didn’t take shit from me. I still have all my most precious possessions in my spirit and my soul. I actually feel better. A huge heavy moldy old crappy weight was lifted off my shoulders and I will never look back again. Sleep on motherfuckers! Karma is gonna have it’s way with you long and hard.

The conscience of the king is free and clear. Don’t get in my way. You’ll regret it.

Up & up

The last couple posts I wrote brought me to a place where it was obvious that everything needed to stop.

I’ve made too many wrong decisions too often. I’ve given the wrong people too much importance in my life. I just need to take back my own life and start fresh, by myself. I’m better off alone. I know what I want and don’t want. I have to stop listening to people that think they know what I need. I have to clear out the negative and damaging forces that I’ve created and that have come unwanted into my life.

I try to be positive. I try to care. I try to be honest and loyal. But…but it always ends up the same. How does the same thing happen when I do all I can to keep it from happening.

When I say go away, leave me alone, I’m done, why is it that it doesn’t end? If I’m nice it doesn’t work. If I’m mean it doesn’t work. The next step is losing all feelings for the person that doesn’t leave me alone when I have asked over & over for them to leave me alone. Once I get to the point where I don’t care what they think anymore and I go do what I want with someone else, how is it that I am the bad one? If I tell someone that I do not want a relationship and they do…we continue to hang out with that as the understanding…and I go do something with someone else…what business is it of theirs to know what I’m doing when they’re not around? Regardless of what it is I’m doing.

I’ve been trying desperately to rid my life of the people that are bad for me. I’m ok with being alone. I feel like I’ve been abused, used, deceived, disregarded, disrespected and destroyed all because I don’t want what they want. So they have to hurt me to feel better about me not wanting them. I’m an extremely sensitive person with the gift of mercy and empathy. I get sucked back in when I see the pain I cause when I try to walk away. So my relationships will overlap. Unless the other person cuts out completely, I tend to linger if they do. It’s a flaw that my heart won’t let go of. It’s a flaw that I have to change. But everytime I do, I can’t deal with the pain from being accused of being insensitive or cold hearted. Because I’m not. I’m so far from cold hearted. I can understand how they would feel that way. Even when I’ve tried to take all the blame and talk it all through…it never helps. The more I continue to ease through ending it, the more they weasel their way right back in again. It’s like a game that I keep getting sucked into playing. I’ve gone as far as moving far away & changing my number. But nothing has changed. I stopped partying, thinking that would help but I wound up in such a deep depression that I became suicidal…and they came right back to help. I just feel so stuck. I wish I had someone that could help me. I don’t have anyone. I feel though that I shouldn’t need anyone to help me with anything ever. I should be able to handle it all myself. But it’s not working. These people really don’t have my life as their priority, they only involve themselves out of their own needs and wants. They don’t care what really happens to me. And I really need to realize that.

I am a beautiful person inside & out and I deserve to be happy. The people that I attract don’t care how badly they hurt me. I need to stop attracting those people. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault for giving the impression that I’m that person they can abuse. I have such mixed signals. I love sex & want it in the kinkiest of ways so I think they see it in my eyes but at the same time I want to be respected and truly cared for and treated like a lady. I want to do what I want until I find someone worth stopping for. And I don’t want to have to answer to anyone until I find that one person I want to be loyal to and respected by. These other clowns don’t need to occupy my thoughts at all if they aren’t going to give me what I deserve.

It’s all part of life. I am just way behind on these situations at my age since I was so sheltered all my life. It’ll all be different once I work through all this garbage. I keep trying to understand why it’s the same over & over. Did something happen to me to damage the part of me that would normally change my behaviors so it would get better? I rack my brain trying to pinpoint where it all began. I can’t come up with any one thing in particular. I really wish I knew so I could fix it. It’s making me into a person I don’t know or like. It’s making it hard for me to keep moving forward.