We were sitting together watching Joel Osteen on TV. His topic was bitterness. Joel always has some message that seems to help, even if it’s a topic that makes me uncomfortable. The topic made me think about everything that has happened in my life and I realized I’m pretty damn bitter.
I can’t blame anyone for any of where and how my life is now. I also won’t give anyone any credit for the good things in my life either. I know people I thought cared for me really never had my needs and wants in mind when they did me wrong. I know people lie to get what they want. I have to say though that I never expected anyone to continuously lie to me even after they could see the damage it was doing to me. I never imagined they’d keep twisting things up so they’d make me seem like the bad person. Purposely wanting to rob me of my smile…just so they felt victorious after feeling I’d hurt them intentionally when I never would hurt anyone on purpose.
Lies are impossible to keep straight. The truth is always what you remember without effort. I am still blindsided by the answers I get when I ask about a situation from the past. The truth comes out now, but at the time I was put through being verbally abused for even asking, then lied to, then socially shunned by him so as to discredit anything I’d ever say to anyone because his reputation was so much more important than my feelings or spirit.
I’m fucking bitter. Pretty much mad as fuck. My gut told me from day one to stay away but I didn’t listen so I know it’s really my fault in the end. I am glad I finally wised up about this person. I have to tend to this bitterness I have inside me now.
I can’t allow him to have any power over me or my life.
I have to focus on making myself smile again.
The anger I have needs to go to making my life happy again.
I know they say not to wish bad things on the people that do you wrong. It’s hard not to start to think bad thoughts. But I really don’t wish for anything bad to come to anyone. I just want the bad people to stay away from me.
I am way too sensitive and damaged to deal with anymore bullshit. I don’t like feeling like I always have to be the one who behaves as if I have no feelings just so I keep from getting hurt. I’m just alone. That’s all it gets me.
I need to be stronger. The bitterness needs to leave and I just need to be stronger. I deserve to be happy.