The last couple posts I wrote brought me to a place where it was obvious that everything needed to stop.
I’ve made too many wrong decisions too often. I’ve given the wrong people too much importance in my life. I just need to take back my own life and start fresh, by myself. I’m better off alone. I know what I want and don’t want. I have to stop listening to people that think they know what I need. I have to clear out the negative and damaging forces that I’ve created and that have come unwanted into my life.
I try to be positive. I try to care. I try to be honest and loyal. But…but it always ends up the same. How does the same thing happen when I do all I can to keep it from happening.
When I say go away, leave me alone, I’m done, why is it that it doesn’t end? If I’m nice it doesn’t work. If I’m mean it doesn’t work. The next step is losing all feelings for the person that doesn’t leave me alone when I have asked over & over for them to leave me alone. Once I get to the point where I don’t care what they think anymore and I go do what I want with someone else, how is it that I am the bad one? If I tell someone that I do not want a relationship and they do…we continue to hang out with that as the understanding…and I go do something with someone else…what business is it of theirs to know what I’m doing when they’re not around? Regardless of what it is I’m doing.
I’ve been trying desperately to rid my life of the people that are bad for me. I’m ok with being alone. I feel like I’ve been abused, used, deceived, disregarded, disrespected and destroyed all because I don’t want what they want. So they have to hurt me to feel better about me not wanting them. I’m an extremely sensitive person with the gift of mercy and empathy. I get sucked back in when I see the pain I cause when I try to walk away. So my relationships will overlap. Unless the other person cuts out completely, I tend to linger if they do. It’s a flaw that my heart won’t let go of. It’s a flaw that I have to change. But everytime I do, I can’t deal with the pain from being accused of being insensitive or cold hearted. Because I’m not. I’m so far from cold hearted. I can understand how they would feel that way. Even when I’ve tried to take all the blame and talk it all through…it never helps. The more I continue to ease through ending it, the more they weasel their way right back in again. It’s like a game that I keep getting sucked into playing. I’ve gone as far as moving far away & changing my number. But nothing has changed. I stopped partying, thinking that would help but I wound up in such a deep depression that I became suicidal…and they came right back to help. I just feel so stuck. I wish I had someone that could help me. I don’t have anyone. I feel though that I shouldn’t need anyone to help me with anything ever. I should be able to handle it all myself. But it’s not working. These people really don’t have my life as their priority, they only involve themselves out of their own needs and wants. They don’t care what really happens to me. And I really need to realize that.
I am a beautiful person inside & out and I deserve to be happy. The people that I attract don’t care how badly they hurt me. I need to stop attracting those people. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault for giving the impression that I’m that person they can abuse. I have such mixed signals. I love sex & want it in the kinkiest of ways so I think they see it in my eyes but at the same time I want to be respected and truly cared for and treated like a lady. I want to do what I want until I find someone worth stopping for. And I don’t want to have to answer to anyone until I find that one person I want to be loyal to and respected by. These other clowns don’t need to occupy my thoughts at all if they aren’t going to give me what I deserve.
It’s all part of life. I am just way behind on these situations at my age since I was so sheltered all my life. It’ll all be different once I work through all this garbage. I keep trying to understand why it’s the same over & over. Did something happen to me to damage the part of me that would normally change my behaviors so it would get better? I rack my brain trying to pinpoint where it all began. I can’t come up with any one thing in particular. I really wish I knew so I could fix it. It’s making me into a person I don’t know or like. It’s making it hard for me to keep moving forward.