Up & up

The last couple posts I wrote brought me to a place where it was obvious that everything needed to stop.

I’ve made too many wrong decisions too often. I’ve given the wrong people too much importance in my life. I just need to take back my own life and start fresh, by myself. I’m better off alone. I know what I want and don’t want. I have to stop listening to people that think they know what I need. I have to clear out the negative and damaging forces that I’ve created and that have come unwanted into my life.

I try to be positive. I try to care. I try to be honest and loyal. But…but it always ends up the same. How does the same thing happen when I do all I can to keep it from happening.

When I say go away, leave me alone, I’m done, why is it that it doesn’t end? If I’m nice it doesn’t work. If I’m mean it doesn’t work. The next step is losing all feelings for the person that doesn’t leave me alone when I have asked over & over for them to leave me alone. Once I get to the point where I don’t care what they think anymore and I go do what I want with someone else, how is it that I am the bad one? If I tell someone that I do not want a relationship and they do…we continue to hang out with that as the understanding…and I go do something with someone else…what business is it of theirs to know what I’m doing when they’re not around? Regardless of what it is I’m doing.

I’ve been trying desperately to rid my life of the people that are bad for me. I’m ok with being alone. I feel like I’ve been abused, used, deceived, disregarded, disrespected and destroyed all because I don’t want what they want. So they have to hurt me to feel better about me not wanting them. I’m an extremely sensitive person with the gift of mercy and empathy. I get sucked back in when I see the pain I cause when I try to walk away. So my relationships will overlap. Unless the other person cuts out completely, I tend to linger if they do. It’s a flaw that my heart won’t let go of. It’s a flaw that I have to change. But everytime I do, I can’t deal with the pain from being accused of being insensitive or cold hearted. Because I’m not. I’m so far from cold hearted. I can understand how they would feel that way. Even when I’ve tried to take all the blame and talk it all through…it never helps. The more I continue to ease through ending it, the more they weasel their way right back in again. It’s like a game that I keep getting sucked into playing. I’ve gone as far as moving far away & changing my number. But nothing has changed. I stopped partying, thinking that would help but I wound up in such a deep depression that I became suicidal…and they came right back to help. I just feel so stuck. I wish I had someone that could help me. I don’t have anyone. I feel though that I shouldn’t need anyone to help me with anything ever. I should be able to handle it all myself. But it’s not working. These people really don’t have my life as their priority, they only involve themselves out of their own needs and wants. They don’t care what really happens to me. And I really need to realize that.

I am a beautiful person inside & out and I deserve to be happy. The people that I attract don’t care how badly they hurt me. I need to stop attracting those people. It’s not their fault. It’s my fault for giving the impression that I’m that person they can abuse. I have such mixed signals. I love sex & want it in the kinkiest of ways so I think they see it in my eyes but at the same time I want to be respected and truly cared for and treated like a lady. I want to do what I want until I find someone worth stopping for. And I don’t want to have to answer to anyone until I find that one person I want to be loyal to and respected by. These other clowns don’t need to occupy my thoughts at all if they aren’t going to give me what I deserve.

It’s all part of life. I am just way behind on these situations at my age since I was so sheltered all my life. It’ll all be different once I work through all this garbage. I keep trying to understand why it’s the same over & over. Did something happen to me to damage the part of me that would normally change my behaviors so it would get better? I rack my brain trying to pinpoint where it all began. I can’t come up with any one thing in particular. I really wish I knew so I could fix it. It’s making me into a person I don’t know or like. It’s making it hard for me to keep moving forward.


4 responses to “Up & up”

  1. Just remember the five rules in life
    1. Forgive your enemy but remember the Bastard’s name
    2. Money cant buy Happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle
    3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again!
    4. Many people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.
    5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
    This could help in your daily Decision choices ..or maybe not :)- be happy..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You do really go through it .. And i hope you don’t take my comments as being patronising.
    But I feel from your text that you have come to realise that you pick the wrong people for both acquaintance and relationships. Im not sure if its the level of your social contacts, that is the problem or the fact that you are, from what i understand from reading your posts, fundamentally looking for companionship. It isnt practical to cut off your world immediately but over time move away and try to get new faces into your life. I wish i could give you a hug and wash all the problems away but that wont happen. I dont even have a solution other than to say that there are people out there that enjoy seeing and talking to you should you ever have the need to chat on Jmeeting to brush some of those cobwebs away. I have read your blogs from the begging so have seen and read your up’s and down’s along the way, all I can hope is that you keep your chin up, be proud & I am sure you know that there are others out there that are worse off than yourself and perhaps this might help you focus on something else other than your current problems. I am sure youll get through this as from your historical posts it seems you’ve done it before, a bit blooded along the way but life is for learning. Take it as a positive experience as you’ve learned from it. hope it all goes well steve (xpara)


    1. Thank you Steve. That’s exactly what I have been doing. Staying positive. Trying to meet new people. It’s been hard when the old ones keep coming back. But everyday is a new day and I haven’t had to deal with too much of yesterday so far. Xox


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