I hate being interrupted when I talk. I hate not finishing something I started to say. I hate not being heard and having to repeat myself. I hate when I share something important and it falls on deaf ears.
It takes a ton of patience to accept being ignored. When I’m ignored, I feel like acting out like a child and screaming at the one’s who are ignoring what I have to say. “why is what you have to say so much more important than what I have to say?”, is one of my favorite come-backs when I’m interrupted. Usually it’s with tear-filled eyes when I say it because that shit hurts. I’m not asking anyone to agree with me or even respond to me…just hear me out. It’s only fair.
I’ve got a big heart. I’m one of the most honest human beings you’d ever meet. I say what I do & I do what I say. I never make promises I don’t keep. I don’t steal. I don’t blow people off. I’m strong but so fragile too. I’m usually very quiet and I prefer to be alone most of the time. I’m an empath so being around people drains my energy fast. I don’t like being told what to do. I would welcome anyone who could inspire me to work towards a better life. I don’t care to be involved with shallow people or anyone who’s selfish. I have the gift of mercy. And unfortunately it brings to me the worst of the worst to heal. I often wonder if I were to meet someone like me, how I would behave? I have a hard time with accepting help and generosity. I have a hard time understanding how to receive and not give. It hasn’t happened often but when it has, I can’t help but think the person wanting to help me has ulterior motives behind their efforts. I honestly cannot remember ever having anyone help me or care about me or for me that didn’t have something up their sleeve. Usually they steal from me. Or they are hoping to get laid. Or they want money.
I feel like I don’t deserve that at all.
I feel like I deserve to be happy and secure with whoever is around me.
I don’t treat people like shit.
A friend of mine went to prison. I told him I’d take care of his possessions while he was locked up. He was gone 3 years or something like that. I made sure his stuff was safe and when he got out he still had everything he had before he went in. One day, after he was out a while, he stopped by my house to visit. While he was visiting with me, he told me he had something he wanted to show me and ran out to his car to get it. When he came in he showed me a camera. The very camera that someone stole from me a while back. He must have forgotten where he had stolen it from and actually was trying to sell it to me. He said though, that he didn’t have the adapters for it. I’d found the camera missing when I opened the box it came in. I accused him of stealing it from me and showed him my empty box with the missing adapters he said he didn’t have. To this day, that guy will not tell me the truth about that camera. It hurts me.
I have all the evidence right in front of me and people still lie.
All I ever did was try to help that guy. I always made it a point to be open & honest. Because I believed that if you’re open & honest that people won’t lie and if they do that karma comes down hard. Harder than if I were also lying to them. Harder because they are deceiving a good person. Wrong.
They don’t think about me or even care what kind of pain I’m in because they stole my family’s jewelry. Or siphoned all the gas out of my cars. Or borrowed money from me and never paid it back. Yet I pay back my debts. And I get the shit end of the stick too? While they go about their lives seemingly carefree?
I really don’t like to listen to people complain. And I hate that I’ve gotten to this point now where I’m bitter and complaining about the losers I’ve tried to help. It’s cost me more than a camera or jewelry or gas. It’s cost me my happiness and innocence. It’s cost me my ability to trust. And I feel as if it’s cost me my ability to love anymore. I’m constantly on my toes now and scared to death to get close to anyone because no one values me or appreciates who & what I am. They just see money or sex and they don’t see my heart or my pain. I really have no one in my life anymore that I can rely on to be there for me. My kids are there, yes. But I never want to burden them with my stuff. They don’t need that on their shoulders too. I’ve just had to learn to be kind to myself. Be tough on others. And keep my walls high around me.
I can’t stand not being heard. There’s no other faster way to rid me of your life than by ignoring what I have to say. If you don’t get it and you keep coming back into my life and try lying to me too, well honey, you’re fair game now for whatever my heart desires. I have a sadistic streak in me that truly is relentless in the worst of ways. You don’t want to go there. I guarantee you won’t like it at all.
Ugh…I really don’t like the negativity of this post but I guess I needed to get this off my chest.
Thank you for reading.