This blog has been the source of so much controversy in my life. I’ve used it to release a lot of my anger and sadness mostly. You will stumble upon some posts here that are happy ones but I usually don’t write as well when I’m happy. Oddly enough.
This blog has been brought up in many arguments by people that have loved me and by people who hate me. It’s been brought up in court to be used against me and as a tool to divide and separate those who can’t understand what I’ve been through in my life. I’ve simply used it to vent my emotions.
I still have kept a lot inside of me that I couldn’t share on here. The really big stuff. The stuff that brings tears to my eyes to even be thinking it…the stuff that has never been told in its entirety. I don’t see a reason anymore to not face the fear of feeling such a profound pain. In it, I can heal it. But it’s like stepping barefoot from the cool grass in the summertime to broken and hot shards of glass without looking first.
I dont want to hurt anyone. And I especially don’t want the one’s that hate me and want to see my demise get any satisfaction. I shouldn’t care, but I do. I’ve never thought of myself as a mean person. I’ve always felt that I’ve had to protect myself and apparently it makes me seem cold hearted. I know I am not. I know I’ve been hurt. A lot. I noticed something interesting though about my relationships. I realized one day when I found some old letters I wrote and some letters that I’d received from my boyfriends at the time. The emotions and pain I wrote about to them changed as one relationship ended and a new one started. Each time, I took the lessons I learned, not just the good ones but the bad ones that I had to endure. I took those and I, not knowing it at the time, behaved exactly like how he deceived and hurt me in the last relationship. And the further into the new relationship went, the angrier I got. Angry that I was so carelessly handled by someone who said they loved me. And never taking responsibility for what they’d done. Freely accepting me taking the blame for things that I didn’t do or allowing them to continue to be in my life after they hurt me just because being alone was far too painful, even just to imagine it, was worse than the pain of their carelessness.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense. I’m beating around the Bush. Once you say something, it makes it real. Some things need to be said. Others shouldn’t.
I just had to jot this thought down. I’m getting there…the right words will come soon.