I have major anxiety. All the time. I’m not typically stressed out though. I feel the anxiety when I feel abandoned. It sits in my shoulder muscles mostly. I can also feel it on my face, particularly between my eyebrows. I feel sad and angry and just anxious. I want to do something to make it go away when it happens. Right now, writing this is helping me to not go do something more damaging to myself to ease the pain. I know from past episodes that I will ease this feeling with things that only prolong the inevitable outcome. I can’t do that anymore. I have to find ways to combat this problem without resorting back to the negative things I did before. Like hitting up an old boyfriend. Or meeting someone new in less than favorable conditions. Or shopping and spending way more than I should. Or becoming very abusive to the ones that I know love me. I am pretty sure this anxiety comes from waking up as an infant or toddler late at night to find no one home. Screaming at the door, scared and alone and no one coming. Crying so long and hard for help that I would hyperventilate and couldn’t stop it. Then finally someone coming home many hours later and being scolded or laughed at for crying. Never getting any comforting reassurance that I was ok. I had horrible feelings of sadness and loneliness growing up. It’s made it really hard for me to trust anyone or love and care for anyone since I don’t think I’ve ever really been loved. Or truly cared for. If I have, I don’t recognize it. If I have, I don’t know how to give it back in the same way. I show I care by helping you in every way possible. I show I care by being honest. I show I care by listening and having authentic compassion. I show I care by including you in my life. I show I care by not trying to change you. I show I care by thinking about you during my day and sending a message to let you know. I show I care by surprising you with gifts of some sort, just to see you smile. Not for me. But to make you happy.
The anxiety I get when you leave is pretty paralyzing. I don’t think anyone I’ve ever known has known this about me. I have been able to disguise it well all my life. If someone were to actually look into me deeply they would see it but I don’t think anyone ever has. No one seems to have the time anymore to make real connections with other people. It seems like everyone is very shallow. I don’t have time for shallow. I will give all my attention to someone that gives their time to me to get to know me. And who let’s me in to know them.
I’m not too sure my abandonment issues will ever go away. I have gotten so used to the tightness in my back and shoulders from it that its become natural. I’ve taken conscious steps at releasing the tension and relaxing my body. I cant really tell if it helps. I never have any trouble sleeping, which is a blessing. But I often wonder if I sleep to well and hard if I’ll just not wake up someday, since I can sleep so hard. I guess we all die eventually. No reason to worry about it today since I’m still here and able to enjoy my life. I probably need to remind myself that I’ll never abandon me. I’ll always be here to make sure I’m smiling and loved. I can’t control anyone but myself. And I’ll never let me down.
This wasnt exactly what I had intended to get off my chest. My back pain was stronger than whatever it was that I was going to write about. I’m sure it’ll come to me after I relax my back. Be back in a bit…