I was so naive. I kinda still am about people and relationships and life. I always believed that everyone was like me. I never encountered liars and cheaters and people that just don’t care about anything but themselves until I left my husband. After Mom and Dad die, there is really no one else that really cares about you. At least that is my reality. I mean, yes, my kids care. I know that they would be there for me if I really needed them, just the same as I am there for them. But once they’re grown, they don’t want me in their lives too much. I remember how it was to be their age. You just want to do what you want, when you want and for Mom to stay out of it unless I call and ask for help. Everyone is only looking to make themselves feel good. They really don’t care if you’re feeling ok. If they truly cared, they would see past your fake smile with matching flimflam coming from your lips about how wonderful life is. I’ve been there. I understand not questioning further. You don’t want to ask further. You don’t want them to feel like you think they aren’t well. If I don’t tell you life is awful, I won’t have to do anything to change it. Because I certainly can’t acknowledge it’s awful and then not do anything to change it. I get it. Maybe, I just don’t care? Maybe I should care? I don’t know. That question makes me feel anxious. I kinda feel like I just need to care about myself. F*** everyone else. They should worry about themselves and stop expecting anyone to save them from feeling crappy. Idk.
Intelligence is so sexy! It is so arousing talking with a person with a big sexy brain. The only thing that comes slightly close is confidence. But even dumb people can have confidence.
My choices have brought me to where I am in life. Circumstances gave me options. I have always been the one that tends to side with my heart. Just that alone has gotten me into many situations that could have had better outcomes than they did. I’m thankful for my fragile heart but it’s just that; fragile. I’m constantly on the defense, trying to protect myself from the people that do nothing but seem to hurt me. I give too much. I say too much. I open up too much and I’ve never gained anything from it but trouble. I’ve been warned, many times, about this horrible and damaging trait of mine. The warnings fell on my stubborn, deaf ears up until now. I won’t ignore the truth anymore. And I won’t allow the lies to define my life either. The truth shall set you free. I can no longer sit back and do nothing. No one will ever create my life for me. No one will ever love me the way I need. Only I can do that for myself. I appreciate the ones that have truly cared enough about me to tell me the honest, painful truth. Even though I most likely lashed out at you or turned against you and shut you out completely, your message was still heard and internalized by me. I see now the importance of your efforts and the Hell I must have put you through just so I would listen will not be in vain. I will do the right thing. For you. And for me. I know you care. Very much. For me. And it hurts that its come down to this for me to see finally. Humbling is such an innocent sounding word but it’s got a huge path to its definition. To say I’m humbled is only the beginning. I’m scared. I’m scarred. I’m broken and stuck, just for now. I am strong though. And I’m able to see my future. My goals. My real self. I can’t and won’t accept anything but what is good and right for me. And I don’t and won’t care how it affects anyone else. If you don’t agree with what I am doing, get out of my way. There is nothing else to even discuss. I’m sorry, have a nice life. Goodbye. That’s the way it goes. No more crap.
That’s about it for now.
Thanks for reading!