I had an epiphany last night. I was talking to my daughter about someone I grew up with. I had mentioned that my long time friend had a particular look in her eye that I’ve seen many many times in many many other people’s eyes throughout my life.
I’m not sure if everyone has seen real evil in a person’s eyes before. It’s something I can’t describe well. It’s just a look that they get where you can see the evil thoughts going through their mind. Thoughts of wanting to see you die or suffer painfully. Thoughts of hatred so strong that it makes you turn away from them. I’ve seen it in strangers. I’ve seen it in lovers and friends. I’ve seen it in the eyes of my family members.
As I sat there thinking back through my life, I realized that I’ve seen that same look in nearly every single person I’ve ever been close to. But why?
I believe that what happened to me as a child by a member of my close family has everything to do with the reason I have chosen the people I’ve chosen in my life to have relations with. I believe because I went through a traumatic experience and was basically abandoned afterwards by the perpetrator but he still lived in the house and continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me the rest of my life, I saw that look in his eyes and I’ve somehow associated that look with love. I could be wrong, but there is no other explanation that I can think of that would make someone seemingly connect with a person with those evil eyes.
Those people are master manipulators. They are able to hide the evil they have inside them. But I can see it. Somehow. I’m sensitive to it. I’m drawn to these people. I feel strongly that if I can just love them and heal the pain that caused the evil that they would be saved and could become happy, strong individuals.
Who in their right mind would ever abandon a child and ignore the trauma they went through? Just to watch the child struggle their entire life with choices they make. Why wouldn’t a mother attempt to help that child heal? Instead of continuing to hurt the child and allow the child to keep making poor choices?
I cannot even begin to tell you how many horrible situations I’ve been in in my life that I could have avoided if someone would have reached out to me about what happened when I was so young. They didn’t help me because they wanted me to suffer and fail. They tried to set me up for nothing but failure all my life. My therapists words keep ringing in my head about what I’ve been through. “People like you are usually dead by now, you’re very strong and obviously here for something important”. I believe her. I’ve felt it all my life. I’m stronger than what I’ve seen in the evil eyes I’ve known. That evil comes from pain, jealousy, greed, inadequacy, inferiority and guilt. I live my life free of any of those emotions.
I know that sort of emotion doesn’t go away. No matter what they do to ignore it or how they may act upon it, it never frees their mind of those core feelings. Not until they can admit what they did or do, will they ever even start to heal those wounds.
I can move forward. I can make peace with the fact that I was mistreated and nobody cared for me. I can love myself the way I need in order for me to heal. I have accepted I will never know exactly what happened or why. I have accepted the fact that I have evil in my family but I know it’s not in me. I know my suffering has an ending but theirs never will. Nor should it. Ever.
I find a person’s eyes a fascinating window into their soul. I just need to learn now to not seek the evil I felt meant love. That’s the hard part now.