Imagine this:


It’s taken me quite a while to write about this. It has been nine months or so since this happened to me. I have racked my brain trying to make sense of it and who to actually blame. Nine months it took me to put it all together and see what really happened. Let me explain:

I met a woman while I was out boating. She approached me after I parked my boat and walked up into the restaurant. She was very outgoing and friendly. We actually hit it off right away. We felt like we had known each other a long time already, even though we just met. We exchanged phone numbers and planned to hang out.

Right away, she and I started talking and realized we would have alot of fun together so we started hanging out. She would come out on my boat with me. We would lay out and sunbathe and drink cocktails. She came to my house and helped me when I’d need a ride. We both have daughters about the same age and we were dealing with a lot of the same issues. She came up to my new house and helped me unpack and clean up. I felt pretty lucky to have found a friend like her and appreciated having her in my life. So when she invited me to go to a Raiders football game I was happy to go along. The game was on a Sunday.

We talked several times about the details beforehand.

We decide that she will pick me up at 9 a.m. on Sunday to be at the game by 11. She reminded me several times during the week before the game to make sure I’m ready at 9. No problem.

Sunday comes. I’m up & ready in plenty of time. She called me and let me know she is on her way. It’s 8:30. All good.

9 a.m. she isn’t there. 9:30, still no sign of her. I figure she knows what she’s doing. 9:45, she shows up. She wasn’t wearing her Raiders stuff but I figure it must be in the car. No big deal.

We leave for the game. Still plenty of time since the game doesn’t actually start til 1 p.m. We will just miss the tailgating before the game. Not a big deal. The drive there is about 45 minutes, maybe an hour. We hit the freeway. She has the music up so loud you can’t make conversation…and she is driving 80-90 miles an hour. Literally. But she seemed fine. Not angry or anything.

We get to the game finally, she insists on parking in the VIP parking lot. It’s $40 to park. I have no cash on me and tell her you’ll get some cash at an ATM to help pay for the parking. No big deal.

She and I are there an hour and a half before the game starts. We have a cocktail and wait with the rest of the tailgaters in the parking lot for the game to start.

She is strangely quiet. On the phone. Texting. Kind of hiding the phone from me. Every once in a while looking over at me and it seems like she is smirking at me. I don’t know what’s going on and assume she’s texting with a lover or whatever. I decide to look at my phone too. I go to check my surveillance cameras at home and as I do I see someone pull into my driveway. They park just out of view of the camera and the next thing I see is the camera is covered up. Now I can only hear what’s happening. In shock, I realize I know the vehicle. I realize it’s my ex. I start to panic and say something to my friend. My friend all of a sudden has a change in their attitude towards me. All of a sudden she’s short with me. I rewind the video and show it to her and she tells me they saw nothing. She says “you are seeing things”. She all of a sudden now wants to go find her seat and says “you are an idiot for thinking that you saw what you saw”.

I am confused. I wonder if I’m overreacting like she says…but I know I am not. I get on the phone with 911 to report what was happening and now she is leaving without me. She takes off walking telling me she “doesn’t have time to deal with my bullshit”. She is “going to the game”. She leaves me and heads for the game. At the same time, she is talking to someone on the phone too. I try to follow, I am juggling the phone call to the police, trying to watch my cameras at home and I hear her ask the person on the phone “is there anything else I can do for you Steve?” She looked right at me and laughed as she said it. Steve is my ex. The one that just pulled up in my driveway. I’m still in shock.

I couldn’t keep chasing her. She was clearly trying to ditch me now. I turn around and head back towards the car. The police have reached my house but the ex is already gone. I am roughly 2 hours away from home. My car is an hour away at my friends house. I walk up to her car in the parking lot and just as I do she unlocks the doors. I gather all of my belongings and she is yelling at me for ruining the game for her with my “drama” and insists I pay for my $250 seat right then and there. I have no cash. I just want to get home. I couldn’t care less about the game. I just want to see what happened at home. What was missing. What happened. Why Steve was there. Even though the police were there and checked everything, they couldn’t tell if anything is missing. I leave the parking lot and her behind and get out to where my ride will find me. And wait.

When I finally got home, I found that I was robbed. She set me up. She never had any Raiders tickets. She knew I wouldn’t be home and went to my house before she came to pick me up and stole sixty thousand dollars worth of family jewelry. She took all of it.

I cry every time I think of this.

Just recently I heard she bought a high dollar item and I know that she wouldn’t have the money on her own for such an item. What can I do? She’s had the nerve to call me and try to be my friend again, telling me that she forgives me for burning her on the Raiders tickets. I told her to fuck off. I feel this is not the end of the story yet.

Woman vs. Women


In December I decided to take my best friend to a psychic to have our fortunes told for her birthday. She and I had wanted to do this since we were in high school. I always felt as if my husband wouldn’t allow me to do such a thing so this was one more thing to check off my very long list of things I can do now that my husband no longer has a say in it.

It was her birthday and she made the appointment for each of us. She had seen a psychic before and swore that I would be blown away with what they’d have to tell me. But I am a skeptic. I thought these weirdos would take my money and give me a bunch of general information that could apply to basically anyone.

She and I met in the parking lot of this psychic’s office. I was still not sure it was going to be worth the $150 that it was going to cost me but I wanted to try it & I knew it’d make my girl friend happy. Her appointment was first. I sat outside and read a book she brought for me about a woman who had supernatural senses, something I relate to.

Her 30 minute reading flew by and before I knew it she was walking out. I stood and walked towards her. I could tell she had been crying but she had a big smile on her face. She said as she walked up, “she’s good”, and with that I made my way inside her office.

I sat at a table and she introduced herself. Then quickly went through what types of readings she offered. I decided to have my palms read and my fortune told. She covered a lot of information very fast. It was information that couldn’t apply to anyone but me & most of it were things no one on earth knew about. It was jaw-dropping stuff. One thing that struck me & stayed with me since that meeting with her was about my relations with other women.

She pointed out that she knew I had never had many female friends. That I always had mostly male friends. She said that women have been jealous of me since I was a very young child, through school and into adulthood. She added that women feel threatened by me because I do not follow the same protocol they do with regard to men, sex, business and relations with other women.

All of a sudden I had validation for the way I’d felt all my life. Here it was, displayed before me on the palms of my own hands and read to me by someone I had never met in my life & had no knowledge of me besides my name, date of birth and my occupation.  She could see the surprise in my face and called me on it. She asked if her statements matched with how I’d felt inside. I told her yes. She continued her reading  and I listened but I stayed on that statement in my mind until she finished.

Throughout my life I’ve always felt a little different than the image I had/have in my mind of most women. Growing up, I was the tomboy. Sometimes tougher than some of the boys. I always controlled things. At times I was cruel to the boys. I remember a few instances where I felt a rush of…something (not exactly sure how to describe it). One of them was in my front yard. We had a huge fruitless Mulberry tree that was perfect to climb. I was playing with my good friend Aaron that lived across the street and one door down. I must have been seven or eight and he was just a bit younger than me. He climbed up into the tree first and I watched from the ground. As he found his perch he looked down at me and motioned for me to climb up. Instead of following his invitation I twisted it on him. I told him he had to take his shorts off first before I’d climb up there with him and then I’d take mine off once I got up there. He hesitated at first but eventually they came off. It was the first time I had seen a boy without pants on. I stared. I never did climb the tree. I let him sit alone, half naked, vulnerably way up in the dense tree. I pretended that I was coming up at one point but I only did it so I could get closer to him so I could snatch his shorts out of his hand. Now he couldn’t get down without having everyone see that he was naked and I enjoyed how uncomfortable he looked and sounded. He begged me to give his shorts back. I wouldn’t. No amount of begging could help him. He was up there a long time before he climbed out, without his shorts, and ran home half naked while I watched. I threw his shorts into a bush and carried on with my daily antics.  –  A dozen or so years later after his family and my family had moved away from that neighborhood and Aaron and I were adults – he came looking for me. When he found me he told me that I had become the object of his desires and I had been ever since that day in my front yard. He asked me if I would consider a relationship with him. I told him no. I knew that if I did I would mistreat him and I didn’t want that. I haven’t seen him since. I have talked with his parents and they tell me he is still very much in love (lust?) with me and even they wished he & I would have gotten married because he “needs a girl like me to straighten him out”.

Aaron wasn’t the only boy I controlled like that. There were quite a few I enjoyed humiliating on a regular basis.  And all of them came to find me once they became adults.

Then at puberty my role reversed. Well, not entirely. Some boys made me slip into a submissive state when I was in their presence while others stroked the dominant in me. I never realized it until right now. I never separated the two very different personalities before like this. I see now what happened to my relationship with my husband. Deep down, I know that I need to submit to a man for the relationship to work. My relationship with my ex-husband started off with me forcing myself to see him as the dominant when he clearly was not. It became obvious to me one day when we were in San Francisco killing time. We hadn’t been together for very long and I don’t think we were married just yet. A switch went off in me. I felt it. I think he even saw it in my face. I am sure of it now. We never discussed what happened that day because we both knew what it meant. It meant that we were not right for each other and neither of us wanted to ever admit that.

(I am shocked and relieved at the same time and needing to get back on topic now)

I’m not exactly sure why I don’t relate well to women. Maybe it’s my demeanor. Maybe it’s because I don’t hate men like most women do. Maybe it’s because I love men and respect men and understand men that women don’t like me. Maybe it’s because I don’t like women that women don’t like me. I don’t mean to offend anyone by implying that all women are the same but in my experience I know that a woman is more likely to stab another woman in the back out of jealousy than a man is. With the exception of the man that acts like and idolizes women. He’s just like them. Flamboyant. Materialistic. Shallow. Spineless. Close-minded. He’ll turn his back on you as quickly as some women do.

Maybe I’m old fashioned? I have been told I have an old soul.

BUT-

I truly believe the male should always dominate but at the same time the woman should never become a doormat. Mutual respect is required and each should know one another’s role in the relationship.

That’s my opinion and if you don’t like it, go make one of your own.

FWB


 

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FWB, Fuckbuddies, casual sex – whatever you want to call it. Basically having sex with a friend or acquaintance without the woes that come from a commitment to a ‘relationship’. Am I the only person that has a hard time with this type of arrangement?

Being that it’s been a little over a year now since my separation from my husband and one month since the complete end of my last ‘relationship’ I am again faced with the ‘friends with benefits’ relations. Well, I know I am not the only person on Earth that feels this way but I just can’t have sex without becoming emotionally and physically attached to the person. One night stands are usually an exception. I just feel that if you’re not in a committed relationship and having ongoing sex with more than one person you’re either being led on or your leading yourself on that at some point ‘things will change’. They don’t! My beliefs are that if you’re not finding all you need in that one person then they’re not the right one for you. Besides, no man can please me better or faster than I can please myself so most of the time I use the feelings of penetration, touch, sound and scent to take back with me and use them for my self-pleasure, while in a relationship or otherwise. It’s the intimacy and the closeness that I cannot recreate alone.

I am guilty of having sex with multiple partners. I see now that it wasn’t done out of my need to have an orgasm, it was done for my need to be held and touched. Nothing more. That’s exactly why I become emotionally tied to the man/men I have sex with. Hmmmm. You see, this is why I write. I work through my quirks with my pen and paper or in this case my keyboard and a white screen. It clarified something for me that I struggle greatly with and put it in a context that I can understand & work through to change.

Having figured that out just now gave me more clarity on my last relationship. I just realized that I was never just held by him, or touched. I held on so long just waiting for it to happen. Thinking that if I kept working at it & putting up with what I did that he’d want to just hold me. He’d finally trust me enough to just let himself feel and love. When all he wanted was sex. He never once just held me. Poor him! I say that only because I think intimacy is something you can give to another person if you have a strong inner being yourself.

Just fucking doesn’t prove you’re a man. Anyone can fuck. He shows he’s a real man when he holds you afterwards.