FWB, Fuckbuddies, casual sex – whatever you want to call it. Basically having sex with a friend or acquaintance without the woes that come from a commitment to a ‘relationship’. Am I the only person that has a hard time with this type of arrangement?
Being that it’s been a little over a year now since my separation from my husband and one month since the complete end of my last ‘relationship’ I am again faced with the ‘friends with benefits’ relations. Well, I know I am not the only person on Earth that feels this way but I just can’t have sex without becoming emotionally and physically attached to the person. One night stands are usually an exception. I just feel that if you’re not in a committed relationship and having ongoing sex with more than one person you’re either being led on or your leading yourself on that at some point ‘things will change’. They don’t! My beliefs are that if you’re not finding all you need in that one person then they’re not the right one for you. Besides, no man can please me better or faster than I can please myself so most of the time I use the feelings of penetration, touch, sound and scent to take back with me and use them for my self-pleasure, while in a relationship or otherwise. It’s the intimacy and the closeness that I cannot recreate alone.
I am guilty of having sex with multiple partners. I see now that it wasn’t done out of my need to have an orgasm, it was done for my need to be held and touched. Nothing more. That’s exactly why I become emotionally tied to the man/men I have sex with. Hmmmm. You see, this is why I write. I work through my quirks with my pen and paper or in this case my keyboard and a white screen. It clarified something for me that I struggle greatly with and put it in a context that I can understand & work through to change.
Having figured that out just now gave me more clarity on my last relationship. I just realized that I was never just held by him, or touched. I held on so long just waiting for it to happen. Thinking that if I kept working at it & putting up with what I did that he’d want to just hold me. He’d finally trust me enough to just let himself feel and love. When all he wanted was sex. He never once just held me. Poor him! I say that only because I think intimacy is something you can give to another person if you have a strong inner being yourself.
Just fucking doesn’t prove you’re a man. Anyone can fuck. He shows he’s a real man when he holds you afterwards.
We’re all guilty of it. But the little white lies are not what I’m writing about. They’re the big lies. Cheating. Stealing. Who you are. What you do. Your sexuality and desires. I have lied in the past about some of these things. I’m just like everyone else. I tell myself, “I can’t admit to THAT! It would hurt him/her/them”. I’d decide that if and when I was questioned, just deny deny deny!
Well, I was lied to. I assume to protect my feelings from the pain of knowing the truth. When that happened I decided I won’t lie about the big things ever again. If I’m doing something that I feel I have to lie about then I shouldn’t be doing it.
In my lies I thought I did it to save the other person from hurt but all I was doing was selfishly avoiding my own punishment for which I deserved. Verbal abuse wasn’t uncommon in my home, unfortunately. I avoided that at all costs! Of all types of violence the verbal abuse is by far he most scarring. Depending on the person, the scars may never heal.
So now…how do I deal with those lies that haunt me? How can I trust anyone now? I thought I read him well and as a matter of fact I did. He was in deny,deny,deny mode in an effort to save my feelings just like I had done. But not only were my feelings damaged (the very reason the lie was manufactured in the first place) but the outcome was the same. No one’s happy & healthy anymore.
I can’t change my past nor do I want to. But my future is what I can consciously keep happy & healthy, for everyone I touch & that touches me. Live & learn!
r e l e n t l e s s
A friend of mine was recently accused of sexually harassing a female coworker.
Ultimately he got fired because of it. He maintains that he’s innocent.
I have no reason not to believe him.
During the ‘investigation’ stage when he was suspended from work until a conclusion was made, he & I talked over the phone about it. He was obviously angry and disappointed. The accuser was apparently making it all up for her own advancement and her general hatred and bitterness towards men. My friend was convinced that with his seniority and work ethic he’d get his position back. I told him it wouldn’t happen. Even if they had concrete evidence proving his innocence he was a memory to them and a lesson learned now. He argued with me because he was so sure of himself. No Corporation would risk the Civil Rights people and laws (don’t forget the women’s libbers!) on their back and would sweep out any person that stirred the kettle wrong. So they did.
In my opinion, I disagree with women having any management positions in business. Of all the places I’ve worked, the ones I hated were where a woman was a step up from me & a step down (or more) from the CEO/President/Owner. Don’t get me wrong, there are exceptions – but for the most part I feel that women are too emotional, catty, shallow, and bitter and tend to make another womans job performance a personal thing. Men don’t do that. At least not the ones I’ve dealt with.
And this sexual harassment stuff…I miss walking past a construction site & being whistled at. I miss hearing what those dirty construction workers’ want to do to me as a stroll past innocently (hahaha!!!). They should have made a law that the sexual comments made must always be positive ones. Don’t ban it altogether! What if I like to be sexually harassed as I sit at my desk? What if I like knowing my boss is looking down my shirt? What if I like to sexually harass my boss? What if I like knowing that the gorgeous shirtless sweaty carpenter that’s working at the remodel going on next to my favorite deli wants to have his way with me in his work truck? Sheesh! Some gal out there ruined it for the rest of us. Well, for me anyway.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I would never condone ‘real’ sexual harassment – the kind that is just gross and unwanted and negative. But c’mon? What’s wrong with the handsome owner strolling into your office and telling you he’d love to see you masturbating one of these days when he comes in? The both of you have a giggle and he leaves? Why can’t men just see it as an innocent flirt and not push it further? Why can’t women stand up for themselves and stop it before it goes too far? We’re all adults! No?
* Disclaimer: This post was not meant in any way to discount anyone’s personal experiences with sexual harassment. All people are different and this is merely MY opinion. Thank you and have a nice day.
© Copyright 2007, r e l e n t l e s s